I'm a Tree

Here's a fun little game I accidentally invented with the help of a few friends.

My colleague, Evan, found a quote by Donald Miller that he really liked and wrote it on the white board in our office:

"I'm a tree in a story about a forest."

The point, obviously, is that God is telling a much larger story, and our individual lives are only a small part of that narrative. In other words, everything isn't about me.

I took it upon myself to rewrite the quote to better reflect my personality:

"I'm a tree in a story about a tree." Get it? I'm self-centered.

Then, our friend Adam made a visit and gave the quote his own unique spin:

"I'm a tree in a story about an arborist." An arborist cares for individual trees. Hence, Adam's take on a person's intimate relationship with God.

Then, I wrote one for our friend Mike (who always thinks the world is out to get him):

"I'm a tree in a story about a lumberjack."

Then, I thought this one might work well for someone like Mark Driscoll:

"I'm a tree in a story about a forest fire." Pastor Driscoll enjoys talking about sinners burning in the pits of hell.

As I was writing this blog, I came up with one for Evan:

"I'm a tree in a story about...look, a bird!" Evan gets distracted easily.

See, it's a fun game! Have one to add to the collection?

See You Next Tuesday

We need to have a serious talk.

I love Jesus, but conservative Christians need to get a grip. One Million Moms (which, by my count, is about 960,000 moms short of their goal) recently called for a boycott of JC Penney because the department store chose Ellen Degeneres as its new spokesperson.

The conservative Christian group of mothers (who seemingly have way too much time on their hands) said, "Recently JC Penney announced that comedian Ellen Degeneres will be the company's new spokesperson. Funny that JC Penney thinks hiring an open homosexual spokesperson will help their business when most of their customers are traditional families. More sales will be lost than gained unless they replace their spokesperson quickly. Unless JC Penney decides to be neutral in the culture war then their brand transformation will be unsuccessful. By jumping on the pro-gay bandwagon, JC Penney is attempting to gain a new target market and in the process will lose customers with traditional values that have been faithful to them over all these years."

The message these moms are communicating to the world is appalling. The "pro-gay bandwagon?" Dear God, could you sound any more ignorant? What's even sadder is that clearly tens of thousands of children are being raised to hate homosexuals and discriminate against an entire group of people. Disgusting.

In what is becoming the norm rather than the exception, a conservative Christian group is spouting hate, and the recipient of that hate (the supposed heathen) responded with love and grace. Ellen said, "If you don't know me very well, I want to be clear. Here are the values I stand for. I stand for honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated, and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values; that's what I stand for."

Well said, Ellen.

In Storytellers We Trust

When Lost ended, many fans felt betrayed. The writers wove a complicated story for six years, then left most of our questions unanswered. It was frustrating.

Last night, I finished In the Woods, by Tana French. She's a great writer. I ultimately judge a book by how quickly I finish. When I can't put a book down, it earns my highest honor. French's book was long (and the print was tiny), but I flew through it. Very impressive storytelling.

But upon reading the final sentence, I wanted to strangle French. If Liz hadn't been sleeping next to me, I would have tossed the book across the room. I was angry.

Without going into too much detail, French sets up two mysteries. A cop and his partner investigate the murder of a 12-year-old girl. Her body was found in a wooded area. Pretty straightforward. That mystery plays out nicely. But there's a second mystery going on. The main cop had experienced a traumatic event in those same woods two decades earlier. While he and his young friends were playing, two of them mysteriously disappeared, and the detective (a 12-year-old boy at the time) was found with blood in his shoes, three rips in his shirt, and no memory of what happened. Now he was investigating a new murder in those same woods.

French weaves the two mysteries together nicely, setting the reader up for a fantastic ending. The only problem? She doesn't resolve the second mystery. Readers have no idea what happened in those woods twenty years ago. We get flashbacks that get us tantalizingly close; we get dozens of clues; and, ultimately, we get the shaft. And before you argue she may have been setting up a sequel, French has written two more books and neither addresses what happened in those woods. She's hinted that the mystery may be resolved in another book someday, but by then, I won't remember or care.

Here's the thing: Audiences put their trust in storytellers. An invisible contract is signed after page (or scene) one. If I am going to spend precious hours of my life reading your book or watching your movie, you owe me resolution. It may not be the ending I prefer, but it has to be something.

If not, trust is broken and readers will rebel. That's why In the Woods is a great book, but only has 3 stars on Amazon.com.

Lesson learned for this storyteller. I appreciate the classroom, Ms. French.

The Dreamers

"We are the music makers; and we are the dreamers of dreams."

-Willy Wonka

I understand that most of the reaction has to do with politics (both Democrats and Republicans dislike the man), but I'm disappointed in the national response to Newt Gingrich saying he wants to colonize the moon within the next decade.

Why is dreaming suddenly frowned upon in our society? Why are big dreams a symptom of delusion rather than genius? I wonder how different our world would be today if this generation of debbie downers lived during the Industrial Revolution. I'm sure grumpy old men called the Wright Brothers insane. Imagine explaining the Internet to a pessimist a half century ago. Or space travel during the Great Depression. 

"You think a man will walk on the moon someday? Get outta here, ya freak!"

Every great moment in human history began with a dream. A crazy, wild, impossible dream.

There will always be people to tell you that your dream is silly, childish, and unrealistic. Always. They're too afraid to pursue their own dreams, so they have to keep a harness on everyone else. They will always have a list of practical reasons why your heart's desire is impossible. Sadly, I've been that realist far too often.

And you can never win with the dream-crushers. If you succeed, they will immediately begin belittling your accomplishments, attacking your character, and exposing your flaws. Our culture tears down celebrities, in part, because we envy their success. 

If you fail, the dream-crushers will be first in line to say, "I told you so." They love watching dreamers fail because it confirms their decision to play it safe.

In other words, you can't win with dream-crushers. They are on this planet to crush your dreams. That's why you should eliminate these people from your life (wait, is this why no one wants to hang out with me anymore?). Or, if you realize you might be a dream-crusher, you should work really hard to morph into a dream-encourager. Perhaps even a dreamer yourself?

Dreamers need other dreamers to keep pushing them forward. When the jealous, angry, bitter world calls you foolish, a community of like-minded dreamers will remind you what's possible in a world where dreams come true.

I'm thankful my wife lets me dream. I'm thankful I have friends who like to sit around, drink beer, and dream together. Although the man will never get my vote, I'm thankful people like Newt Gingrich stand up and dare to dream big. So much of our modern conveniences are owed to dreamers.

Dream big, my friends. Your dreams just might change the world.

Love and Marriage

I used to be single. In fact, I spent over 33 years single. Then, I got married. I hate being that guy who thinks he knows everything because he's been married for 19 months, but I'd like to give some advice to my single friends. You're free to take it or leave it.

Stop watching unrealistic romantic comedies. Stop listening to silly love songs. In other words, come back to reality.

Before you call me an old, cynical, unhappily married man, hear me out.

I love my wife more now than I ever have at any point in my life. When we dated, I liked her. When I proposed, I thought I loved her. When we got married, I was almost certain I loved her. I know that's not typical. Most people put hearts all over Facebook and call someone they've known for two weeks "the one." That's fine. It's motivated by fictional stories that convince us we can fall madly in love in the blink of an eye. But it's also silly. You can't love someone you don't know, and it takes more than a few weeks to truly know someone (if that's ever really possible).

Nineteen months into our marriage, I find myself thinking, "I really love my wife." Not just puppy dog love, but real love. The kind of love that makes a man fight like hell to overcome his demons so he doesn't screw up his marriage. The kind of love that finds an incredibly selfish man making sacrifices that wouldn't have been possible two years ago. The kind of love causes a man who struggles with normal human emotions to honestly care about another human being.

I enjoy stories of young people falling in love. I appreciate naive, hormone-induced infatuation. I completely understand why single people long for Prince Charming or every character Zooey Deschanel has ever played. But allow me to add a shot of realism into the love cocktail you're drinking.

Stop romanticizing the impossible. Until you do, you'll always be alone and miserable. 

Instead, do this: Find someone you like. Pick someone you can laugh with. Pick someone you enjoy talking to. Pick someone you have fun with—in groups and one-on-one. Pick someone who is traveling a similar life trajectory. Pick your best friend.

Then, here's the trick: You make it work. It doesn't magically work. Sure, some days it will. You'll have moments of lust, playfulness, and lovely-dovey cuteness that annoy others. 

But most days your marriage will ebb and flow because of the choices you make. Often difficult choices. You'll choose whether to scream or talk calmly. Share your feelings or bottle them up. Forgive or punish. Let your spouse in or shut her out. Be selfish or be selfless. Some days you'll choose wisely. Hopefully most. Other days, your only chance is that your spouse is making better choices than you.

That's reality. And it's so much better than fiction. If you asked me a few years ago, I would have told you I've been in love a handful of times in my 30+ years. And while I do believe my feelings for other women were real, I know now they certainly weren't love. At least, not the kind of love I feel for Liz.

Recently, a Facebook friend posted a music video with these lyrics: "I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three." That's a silly desire. Silly to put unrealistic expectations on your spouse to read minds, and silly to think knowing someone that well happens overnight.

Maybe two people live together so long and know each other so well that a connection so deep can be formed. But that ain't happening on a first date. You won't find that in someone while you're dating because it takes a lifetime of healthy choices to create.

And the best part? Liz and I have barely scratched the surface. A million bad decisions from now, we could hate each other. A million good decisions, and we could be lucky enough to share a love like this:

Find someone you like being with, make a million good choices, fight like hell everyday for your relationship, and you'll create the kind of love you're wishing for.