Love and Marriage

I used to be single. In fact, I spent over 33 years single. Then, I got married. I hate being that guy who thinks he knows everything because he's been married for 19 months, but I'd like to give some advice to my single friends. You're free to take it or leave it.

Stop watching unrealistic romantic comedies. Stop listening to silly love songs. In other words, come back to reality.

Before you call me an old, cynical, unhappily married man, hear me out.

I love my wife more now than I ever have at any point in my life. When we dated, I liked her. When I proposed, I thought I loved her. When we got married, I was almost certain I loved her. I know that's not typical. Most people put hearts all over Facebook and call someone they've known for two weeks "the one." That's fine. It's motivated by fictional stories that convince us we can fall madly in love in the blink of an eye. But it's also silly. You can't love someone you don't know, and it takes more than a few weeks to truly know someone (if that's ever really possible).

Nineteen months into our marriage, I find myself thinking, "I really love my wife." Not just puppy dog love, but real love. The kind of love that makes a man fight like hell to overcome his demons so he doesn't screw up his marriage. The kind of love that finds an incredibly selfish man making sacrifices that wouldn't have been possible two years ago. The kind of love causes a man who struggles with normal human emotions to honestly care about another human being.

I enjoy stories of young people falling in love. I appreciate naive, hormone-induced infatuation. I completely understand why single people long for Prince Charming or every character Zooey Deschanel has ever played. But allow me to add a shot of realism into the love cocktail you're drinking.

Stop romanticizing the impossible. Until you do, you'll always be alone and miserable. 

Instead, do this: Find someone you like. Pick someone you can laugh with. Pick someone you enjoy talking to. Pick someone you have fun with—in groups and one-on-one. Pick someone who is traveling a similar life trajectory. Pick your best friend.

Then, here's the trick: You make it work. It doesn't magically work. Sure, some days it will. You'll have moments of lust, playfulness, and lovely-dovey cuteness that annoy others. 

But most days your marriage will ebb and flow because of the choices you make. Often difficult choices. You'll choose whether to scream or talk calmly. Share your feelings or bottle them up. Forgive or punish. Let your spouse in or shut her out. Be selfish or be selfless. Some days you'll choose wisely. Hopefully most. Other days, your only chance is that your spouse is making better choices than you.

That's reality. And it's so much better than fiction. If you asked me a few years ago, I would have told you I've been in love a handful of times in my 30+ years. And while I do believe my feelings for other women were real, I know now they certainly weren't love. At least, not the kind of love I feel for Liz.

Recently, a Facebook friend posted a music video with these lyrics: "I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, actually I meant three." That's a silly desire. Silly to put unrealistic expectations on your spouse to read minds, and silly to think knowing someone that well happens overnight.

Maybe two people live together so long and know each other so well that a connection so deep can be formed. But that ain't happening on a first date. You won't find that in someone while you're dating because it takes a lifetime of healthy choices to create.

And the best part? Liz and I have barely scratched the surface. A million bad decisions from now, we could hate each other. A million good decisions, and we could be lucky enough to share a love like this:

Find someone you like being with, make a million good choices, fight like hell everyday for your relationship, and you'll create the kind of love you're wishing for.