I have a problem. This illustration from xkcd.com sums it up pretty well:
I love my niece, but she had a beautiful baby girl last year, and since giving birth, she loves talking about motherhood. Which is great. She loves being a mom and takes her job very seriously. This world needs more parents like Sarah and James. The problem is that her Facebook page has opened my eyes to a whole new world that I didn't know existed—mommy bloggers. (For the record, my niece is always very respectful in the way she publicly discusses these issues. Some of her Facebook friends ... not so much.)
I agree that parenting is difficult. I don't have any kids, but they seem exhausting. And I understand that parents want to love their children and provide the best home environment possible. But these new age parenting styles seem a bit intense.
Co-sleeping, swaddling, home schooling, attachment parenting, public breastfeeding—it's all a bit overwhelming.
My problem isn't that mommy bloggers are trying their best to love their children. That seems perfectly reasonable. The problem is when mommy bloggers make other parents feel inferior because they haven't bought into the new age parenting techniques.
Sadly, I got into two separate arguments on my niece's Facebook page. One about circumcision and the other about public breastfeeding. I'm circumcised (sorry for the visual), but the mommy bloggers essentially called circumcision mutilation, which I thought was odd, so I responded. I'm glad that I'm circumcised, I have no memory of the procedure, and that's the end of that story. When I made a comment, people went nuts. Apparently, I desperately miss my foreskin. In fact, one mother told me that there are many men who long so deeply for their foreskins that they are undergoing foreskin restoration. Oh boy, sign me up.
I also wasn't breastfed. And, honestly, I'm doing just fine. Nor did I sleep in the same bed as my parents. I'm not even sure what swaddling is, but I don't think that happened either. I went to public school, and now I'm a college professor. Both of my parents worked for most of my childhood, and I survived.
Look, I have no problem with anyone's parenting style as long as you provide a loving environment for your child. Sleep in the same bed, home-school, swaddle, leave that foreskin alone, breastfeed naked on Fountain Square. Go for it, but don't make other parents feel like crap because they make different choices.
Some women feel uncomfortable exposing their breasts in public (and many people feel uncomfortable staring at your breast, no matter how "natural" it is). Some women want to have have a career while raising children. Some men (who actually have a penis) want to circumcise their sons because they believe it's a better option (for multiple reasons I won't go into here). Some women don't want to feel every "beautiful" moment of childbirth. Nor do they want to have a baby in their bathtub. If that's your plan, that's awesome, but just because you do it doesn't make it the right way.
Here's how I responded to the mommy bloggers:
I'm sure, like anything else, your experience becomes the "right" way. Perhaps I am frustrated with the new wave of parenting that seems to know everything about parenting as though raising a child is an exact science. As a circumcised male who wasn't breast-fed, had two working parents, was never strapped to my parents' backs, and believed in Santa, I am thankful for my childhood. It produced a pretty good dude in a healthy marriage. Sometimes I read these mommy blogs, and there is a strong sense that this new generation of mothers has the answers to parenting. Home-schooling, breastfeeding, swaddling, no circumcision, not lying about Santa, co-sleeping...these are all options, but not the only options. And I haven't seen compelling evidence that any of them are better than their alternative. There is too much judgement regarding these issues. I never once said all children should be circumcised. I simply said there is another viewpoint in this debate, and I felt compelled to share it: As a man, I'm glad I'm circumcised. Just because you have an opinion or a way of living life, doesn't mean it's right or appropriate for everyone else.
So, to sum up, I really need to get a hobby.
5 comments:
steve,
i am in awe of you right now. every word of this post is right on target! i am a father of 4 (i say that to give credibility to those stone throwers who will read my response). i would only add 1 line to you post. these "new age" parenting ideas are developmentally damaging to kids. i've been a youth pastor for 8 years, social worker for at-risk kids for 7 years, and currently a baseball instructor and coach. my experience is with kids and the "new age" ones are the easiest to spot and the most difficult to instruct, mentor, and positively influence.
As far as most of the issues you raised, Steve, I'm not saying on specific points whether I agree or disagree with you here, (I will note that my views fall into both camps, some of what you stood for I agreed with; I differ in a point or two) but I do know from past experience that some of the most intolerant, opinionated, cocksure and anti-free speech human beings I have EVER dealt with in my entire life have been on a site called mothering dot commune. Oh, my gosh, if a person does not subscribe to every last fragment of the prevailing viewpoints there, you get blasted, censored, even banned. I figured maybe it was just that one group but I find when it comes to childbirth and the raising of small children, few to no other issues seem to bring out the same viciousness of opinion. It's not that people like those at MDC, for example, are unintelligent and it's not that they don't have many worthy ideas, it's that they do the advocacy of those viewpoints a true disservice by being such poor ambassadors of what they stand for.
Steve, I honestly couldn't agree with you more. Everyone has their right as parents to parent how they choose. My intentions with the things that I put on my Facebook and my conversations with people regarding parenting is to help them realize that they have options. They have the opportunity for the first time in the history of parenting to easily access a ton of information regarding many choices they will make for their children. Why not use it?
As for your first commenter, how dare you pass judgment on anyone the way you did in your comment. To say that children of all Attached families are "developmentally damaged" is not only seriously wrong and disrespectful, but is also the very thing my uncle is talking about in his blog. You clearly missed the entire message.
"I'm glad that I'm circumcised, I have no memory of the procedure, and that's the end of that story ... one mother told me that there are many men who long so deeply for their foreskins that they are undergoing foreskin restoration."
There's a simple answer to your dilemma. Your mileage may vary.
For one thing, there's no dotted line and different doctors take differing amounts with different outcomes. And it's amazing what people will be content with. I know a man who's been in a wheelchair for 40 years and wouldn't have it any other way (because, he says, if he hadn't had his accident, he'd have ended up a drunk). Many Deaf people don't see their condition as a disability and wouldn't accept hearing if you gave it to them. But we'd be outraged if anyone deafened a baby or severed his spinal cord. Yet someone else chooses to circumcise a baby (often for very silly reasons), and they have no idea how it's going to turn out or what the owner will think of it when he grows up.
"Oh boy, sign me up." Sorry, it's DIY.
Sorry that should be men who long so deeply for their foreskins...
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